Tired and Disenchanted

"Peter is a picture of the tree of life process. He journeys through disappointment, frustration, betrayal, and regret and surrenders to Christ His broken life. [...] If you are tired and disenchanted, you are in a sacred place."

I feel like my problem is that I want to be a Peter, but I feel like I only deserve to be a Judas. What happens when my broken life feels like too broken an offering to surrender to Christ? I know the Judas path all too well: disappointment, frustration, betrayal, and regret leading to self-destruction. I know where it's going to take me, but I don't seem to know how to avoid it because I don't know how to stop feeling like it's what I deserve.

Jesus, I'm tired of this! This doesn't feel like a sacred place. I'm tired of being afraid and alone! Please take this rotten lump of life because I don't want it anymore.

I can take it, but you have to take grace in its place. Otherwise you're still left with a gaping hole in your chest - and we both know how that's going to get filled.

No - no way. I couldn't take anything from You in return. That's too much too ask for. Please, Jesus. Don't wash MY feet.

You have to take it. Otherwise you have no part in me. How do you expect to wash others' feet if I don't show you how? How do you expect to love others if I don't show you how? Be encouraged - surely I am with you always, even to the end of the age.

Guys, I don't pretend to know how to actually act this conversation out in my life, but it keeps happening, and I know it's what He's calling each of us to. He's helping us discover that our relationships with Him are not cream puff ideas of how to have a better day, but intense love affairs demanding body, heart, mind, and strength.